~.*Credo in Deum, patrem omnipotentem, creatorem caeli et terra*.~

Saturday, February 14, 2009

*[[ ]]*

Today I woke up at 11.30am -_-" I was feeling increasingly drained as the week went by. I guess I couldn't really sustain it any longer, with extra activities every single day (Monday celebrate Sida birthday, Tuesday choir concert, Wednesday celebrate Florence birthday, Thursday mini SMU Hope vday party, Friday gender focus group, Saturday service, tomorrow I have Biz Law meeting... goodness please find me some time to study... I didn't even list down everything... and I sure need some good rest and time to recharge before I even start studying right... I'm really not the kind that's full of energy and feeling UP all the time), moreover with the additional stress from the mere thought of what I would face next week. I was actually supposed to meet my caregroup at 11am at SMU today coz we wanted to go around to bless people with flowers that we made... But I think I was just too tired.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just push it coz I never know my real limit anyway... But ok I really need some time to myself... Frankly, I feel joyful when I give my time to people... But I feel very drained at the end of it... I think it's coz of my habit of thinking too much already. When I'm with another person, I can't help but not be able to fully concentrate on my own agenda. I am more concerned about what the other person might be thinking or feeling coz it's just in my character to do so. It might even be stressful coz I'd be too concerned... ehhh but then again, come to think of it...actually it's not so much a problem of thinking too much about the other parties I'm with... I think it's more like I'm too conscious and irritated with myself, and I'm too concerned about my own thoughts and feelings... I think sometimes even when I'm by myself, I end up trapping myself in a game of checks and balances, in a vicious cycle of doubting that I can do it with God's help and also believing that God will take me through... So maybe, it's a problem of not spending enough time with God... I'm not secure and stable enough in Him... God is not big enough in my life... And with SMU being so busy, it's so easy to go about just doing things and as a form of comfort to keep thinking that it's ok just take it easy on yourself... and by the time you know it, actually you're far away from God because of the lack of time committed to just CONCENTRATE on Him... I think we often fall into the trap of trying to give friends whatever free time we have because we already feel so bad about being busy with school work and our own agenda... But no! Break free from that trap... Don't even fall into it... Haven't you heard? BUSY = Being Under Satan's Yoke. Get away and please be strong in the Lord before you try to do the thousand and one things, even if it's classified under "church activities"...or seek to look for what you need in the thousand and one people, even if they are classified under "Christians"... Who I really need to turn to and be alone with is GOD Himself! Too many people are missing the point and living according to human classifications and standards, including myself...alright I'm human after all...

Today God spoke to me during service (haha I even forgot that I was ushering)... I was thinking about many things and I realised after a while how I haven't been sharing much of the many thoughts that I have to anyone. I haven't met my shepherd for like 2 months? or even more? It's terrible... I haven't been so far from a shepherd for so long. It's not anyone's fault la. You can blame it on "BUSY". I don't like that word. Busy people = people who do too many unnecessary things coz they don't know what God wants them to do. Anyway, I was thinking that in SMU I don't have any girl from church that I can really look to for mature Godly counsel and advice, in my CG I also don't really think so (although just yesterday during GFG I think I realised that I can talk to LiShan so I think I shall go call her one day) and ya that's why I wanna meet up with my ex-shepherd Tracy... wah but it really just pained me to see myself looking for someone to just share with... but there are so many things I've accumulated also until I duno who the best person is to share to... and even for Lim Mian, someone whom I can share so easily with, I duno but she's so busy and I'm confused about what to share with her anymore coz she has so many things to cope with herself... and I was screaming inside that Michelle I need to just talk to you!!!!!!!! and then I have the inner conflict about spending time to just share everything coz I know that she doesn't know me very well and goodness it would surely take long and I would feel super drained sharing... gosh and wow it just becomes a burden... and moreover, if I have more urgent things to do like study for my tests and completing my school work, I don't want to think so much and share so much and cry about it coz I know it's a stupid waste of time coz in the end I know that it's ALL about going back to the Lord and seeking His face... and telling the story can come later, when I have more time to share... goodness... what is this... I had better settle this during the mid-term break before week 9 comes and goodness gracious there's no stopping and ok next thing I know Year One has ended. and wow... what happened... I don't want to be in a daze... God please I pray that You will lead me by Your Spirit... Let me have the mind of the Lord... I need to have more wisdom in everything in my life... But I just thank You for speaking into my heart... You told me how You are more than enough for me... even though people are busy and circumstances might not be exactly how I want it to be, I just hope that I will never compromise on spending time talking to You and I know that as long as I am close to You things will be ok... "Come to me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest."[Mark 6:31] "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."[Matthew11:28] Come to me... Come to me, my child...

Anyway, I feel very thankful today... You know I'm starting to like the uni-YA group more, ever since last week. Last week they didn't use drums and I really felt like it was back to a more traditional kind of service...it was quite nice...like we didn't have to rely on those more rock kind of music to feel excited for the Lord. and this week, for ushering, you know I was so sotong coz I wore the wrong attire! I was supposed to wear jeans...and I wore a skirt...goodness, to think that I rarely wear skirts...when the right occasion arrives to wear skirts, I don't wear them... and when it's the wrong occasion, I go wear a skirt...-_-" And then I forgot about covered shoes...coz I conveniently walked out of the house wearing my open toe flats which I wear every single day until it wears out and it's time to buy a new pair of flats... so I think the only thing that I wore correctly was the white shirt. and haha coz not enough scarfs, I didn't wear a scarf too (I volunteered to because I was already the odd one out anyway)...ya gosh...I can't stand fashion man... and I was all ready to feel guilty and sorry... surprisingly I didn't feel very guilty, although I was sorry. but then a thought came into my head and I thought about the traditional smaller churches and about the heart to serve... I mean just imagine a smaller church with a real desperate need for people to step out to serve... do you think attire really matters? So as much as I know I want to be as excellent as possible in my ministry, I also know that it's more about having an excellent heart... I became even more convinced and very encouraged when Rachel (my ushering leader) told me that it was alright. Seriously I had half the mind to tell her that I was willing to opt out and serve on another week or something... but somehow I felt that ok I shouldn't...it's not about man's outward appearances, but God looks at the heart. And ok! Can you imagine my joy! I really felt the joy that God gave me the chance to serve today... I really felt that God I'm doing this for your kingdom...I am ushering people into Your house... It's not based on what I wear... I just hope to bring them into Your house by showing Your love and the joy I have in You to them... wow wow wow. haha. super encouraged...... funny isn't it. a little thing like this. to just know that I'm not being condemned coz I was all ready to feel condemned (like I was bending my head down when I walked to and fro from the auditorium and the toilet coz I felt very paiseh). such joy in the Lord :)

lol...anyway I don't know who reads my blog... but I just want to say please don't judge me from what I blog about. It's really my thoughts at a particular point of time. I have so many other thoughts that you don't know about, perhaps even I myself haven't discovered the many deeper thoughts I have. Please don't end up spreading inaccurate judgements about my relationship with God or my shepherd Michelle. I am ultimately God's "work-in-progress". Hmmm, you can pray for me if you want to :) I sure need prayer. You can tell me if you need prayers too :) I love God very much and I love His people too.

Happy Friendship & Valentine's Day :)

~.*hUiYiNg*.~ says Amen. @ | Saturday, February 14, 2009

~.* Jesus is LOVE *.~