~.*Credo in Deum, patrem omnipotentem, creatorem caeli et terra*.~

Friday, May 25, 2007

*[[ ]]*

GOLD. WITH HONOURS.

Uh no today isn't 8th May 2007. And I know I'm lag but it's not the case this time. It's just that every time I log into this blogger account with a open heart all ready to share my thoughts to the world, my mind just shuts off and I have nothing to say anymore. Maybe it's coz I have too much to say and I'm too lazy to express all of my thoughts and feelings... Urgh ok seriously there's too much to say and I don't know where to start.

Hmmm actually it was only just last last week that we attained that grand-sounding award. But no matter how impressive this award might look or sound, I still cannot help but feel some sense of guilt? regret? remorse? URGH. I know it's a gold with HONOURS but you know what I didn't feel anything on stage. I'm honest. I didn't feel it. The 15 minutes just flashed past without me noticing much... which is pretty sad everytime I think about it. But I couldn't really think when I was on stage... All I thought of was to feel the music and deliver. Ok yes I did inject my feelings but it was quite intentional especially for 'Jap Game'. 'Mate Saule' came more naturally la but I don't think I've felt that MAGIC in our music that would make your heart swell. Hmmm... The only thing I feel that has brought justice to this award is the amount of effort that we put in. I cannot think of any other reason seriously. The glory all goes back to YOU. I can't think of any other reason how we could have done it. This is truly a God-given gift. As Johnny was telling us just the day before SYF, you have to BELIEVE. And believing is a very powerful thing. You know I think God really blessed the few of us J2s who were there the day before SYF with each other's physical presence such that we were able to gather together and praise God together and really put our hearts together in a single spot of faith. And this choir is truly blessed with so many many many Christians. Like about 1/3 of the choir are Christians. And to think that about 7 of us are from my church is indeed very empowering. And the best thing is that Ms Lim herself is also a Christian. You know how surprised Ms Lim was to hear that Johnny, Sarah and many others are Christians too. It's funny how we are all connected in one spirit without even knowing it. And I'm sure it's this simple faith from everyone that has brought Ms Lim this Gold With Honours for HWACHONGCHOIR.

Okiez I don't really know why I have come to blog about this nor do I know what I'm talking about. Well you know I'm feeling so tired and weary especially this week but everytime I pray the first thing in my prayer is to thank God for blessing me with that day. And I'm grateful for every day somehow even though I end up less productive than I always want to be. Well and I just know that I'll be grateful and appreciative of everything that has happened every day. I'm so sick and tired of comparing my life to others and feeling stressed out and crying so often. Well I don't think I'll ever stop being that way coz I'm just made that way but I think I'm handling things better. You know one funny thing, my msn nick has been "when you wanna give your all" for quite a while... and today, without the intention of linking my personal message to my main nickname, I just put my personal message as "sometimes all you need to do is to let go". Then when I read my whole nickname together, my skin really tingled coz the two random phrases made so much sense when put together. "When you wanna give your all, sometimes all you need to do is to let go." And woah, I think God must be trying to emphasise this point to me coz He also spoke through Ms Lim when she shared with Suet and I all about her just leaving things in God's hands this year and look at what she attained this year! 6 Gold With Honours and 1 Gold. Never before.

Thank God for giving Suet and I this opportunity to go out with Ms Lim today. Heh actually all I wanted to do initially was to accompany Kimberly to go search for shirts for the a cappella and J2 item. Turns out that God decided to plant a message of faith in my heart today. I'm really grateful for today la. Haiz you know I just ponned school today, I was way too worn and torn after the 4th day of piaing this week. Really quite bad but I really needed the sleep. Sigh... ok really dunno what to think anymore. All I wanna do is to do well for this concert. It's the last practice tmr after 6 years of my choir life. LAST PRACTICE. And on Sunday I know I'll just cry when I sing the last song. Coz this choir life has really been the very thing I've held on to for so long through all the ups and downs and even when piaing for studies, choir has always been such a convenient excuse haha. Ok yeah but it keeps me going. My NYC batch was perfect. And even though my hwachongchoir batch has so few UPs, still... if you could only feel how much we have gone through, you would be way overwhelmed and choking with emotions. And I don't know what I'll do after Sunday. I'm just glad it's the holidays coz it wouldn't feel so weird that there's nothing left to work for after school. At least maybe the holidays would dilute the idea that there's no more staying back for choir practices. I hate the idea that all I have left to hang on to is my studies coz I don't even do well for it. It's so irritating. At least in choir everyone's there together and helping each other you know you don't have to worry so much. But for studies you're sort of all there alone and who really cares if you don't do so well. Everyone helps themselves first. Yeah. Well I used to have "Class", "Choir", "Church" as the 3 "C"s my life revolves around, but now there goes that one "C" in my life. heh. I can only hope that my life won't change too drastically. But I know it'll never be the same again.

~.*hUiYiNg*.~ says Amen. @ | Friday, May 25, 2007

~.* Jesus is LOVE *.~