~.*Credo in Deum, patrem omnipotentem, creatorem caeli et terra*.~

Monday, June 13, 2005

*[[ dont read this ]]*

Haiz. I realise how ill-disciplined I am. Ok I always plan to do work, which is good. But I NEVER follow my plan. WHAT'S THIS? I'm being WAY TOO ridiculous. Yar I think I can do so many things. I push myself to commit to this and that. I have lots of fun. But in the end I get too carried away. Gosh. Ok Youth Forum's over. I've indulged in it for the past 5 days already, and I think it's time to stop. I can't even complete an interview transcript and translate in when I have the whole weekend. Instead I spend my time online and on MSN, and keep lugging over whatever that has happened. Yes ok maybe I forgive myself for Saturday. But when I was committed to completing whatever work I planned to on Sunday, it didn't happen. I'm frustrated at myself. I wake up every morning, disappointed. Goodness, I hate such a life. Disappointing life. Yes it's good to be enthusiastic about what's happening around me but I gotta settle down. Yesterday, when my friend asked me a Math question, I couldn't even answer. I didn't even know what topic it was. Math just seemed alien to me, and some kind of realisation came upon me that I'd forgotten my entire syllabus. And another realisation came upon me that I have so little time to revise with my TONS of SIAs awaiting me. OMG and next year I'm going to HCJC YEAR 1! WOW. I don't even feel like a Sec 4. Yet I feel that I've lived a thousand years. I think I've done so many things in the first 16 years of my life. I love it. Yet I hate it too. Or rather I love what I have experienced, but somehow I hate myself?! Ok what am I talking about? I don't know. All I know is that someone flicked on the "anxiety" switch in me, and that I'm really frustrated with myself. Maybe it's coz I have so many things to handle that I don't know how to cope. Does this show that I'm weak? Ok I think I have a huge inferiority complex. I keep admiring the HCI guys in my youth forum group, esp ShiWei and Mark. !!??! Not gushing over them. But I keep comparing myself to them. And I keep feeling that I better start Sec school life all over again coz I seem so incapable compared to them. Something's wrong with me man. I think I totally failed as a facilitator last week anyway. I couldn't hold an active discussion with E4, while others seem to keep theirs going? Is it? hmmm ok I have so many things to do. wOw. I shan't go online next week I can't afford it seriously. Sometimes I wish my mum would discipline me.hAhA. ok that's reliance on my parents. Ya but I just want to lie back sometimes and be guided by the waves. Do I have control over my life? I think my parents give me too much control sometimes.

ok this is crazy.
What am I doing?
so embarrassing to publish this on a public blog.
goodness me.
hai~
whatever
I'm such an idiot
have u seen this side of me?

~.*hUiYiNg*.~ says Amen. @ | Monday, June 13, 2005

~.* Jesus is LOVE *.~